Hate.  Anger.  Confusion.  Loss.  Agony. 

We all felt those emotions and more thirteen years ago.  It is one of the days that will forever be etched in our memories.  I can still feel the disbelief that it was really happening as I was called upstairs at my office after the first plane hit. We huddled around the TV and watched in horror as the second found its target.  It was if I could hear the cries of all those in the buildings and airplanes. 

For a great many of us we experienced a loss of innocence.  Our world would forever be changed.  Our peaceful exclusion to the horrors of the rest of the world ripped out from under us like a rug.  Later that night as I struggled to contain my emotions my daughter, just shy of her third birthday, asked me what was wrong. Oh, the uncanny perception of the young.  I told her some bad men had done some very bad things and made a lot of people hurt and sad.  She looked up to me with her big blue eyes and asked did they need a spank?

After the events of that day too many of us learned to hate; hate anyone that wasn’t exactly like us.  Hate anyone that didn’t believe exactly like us.  Hate anyone that didn’t look, live, whatever, exactly like us.  Hate seemed to become a badge of honor to wear and color every action.   I am ashamed to say that my little corner of the world embraced the hate and cultivated it into a full blooming garden.

But are we in the right to hate?  Are we not in a way joining the ranks of those we hate because they in turn hate us? 

We should never forget that day.  Never forget the actions of the wicked.  Never forget the innocents and heroes that lost their lives because of the actions of a few.

But to respond with hate, in my humble opinion, is not the way.  Some people in the world will hate us no matter what we do.  The point I am trying to get to here in my muddled way is to not spread the hate.  Just because our neighbors may be different from us does not give us a free pass to hate them.  Yes, some of our neighbors come from the very parts of the world that hate us and are actively trying to bring us to ruin but that doesn’t mean that our neighbor is also in league against us. 

I struggle with hatred on a person level.  Some is directed on a person or two and yet some is also directed back at me.  I am not proud of it.  I am ashamed to admit it openly.  There is even one person that I am in quite a bit of contact with that makes me really have to dig deep to be calm.  I am a constant work in progress to cultivate kindness and love.  Some days are easier than others.      

Let us not respond in kind when met with hate or anger or fear.  Let us rise above.

You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ~ Matthew 5:43-45

The White Coats are coming!

A week ago I had my yearly exam, yeah, THAT one, and I knew I was going to get the same old song and dance from the Doc.

I went in prepared!  For the two weeks prior to my appointment I had marked my blood pressure readings.  All were normal bordering on FANTASTIC but I knew that when I got there it would be in the scary range.  Yes, I have had a bit of a blood pressure problem before but with a healthy diet and weight loss I had it under control.  It had crept up again but after my Come to Jesus meeting with myself, I was back on the path of health and I could feel that my blood pressure was back to where it should be.  The numbers were proof.  I determined I was not going to be bullied into going on meds just because it read high in the office.  The last time I caved and took a BP med it almost killed me, literally. 

Fast forward to my doctor’s appointment …..

The nurse called my name and back we went.  As I hopped up on the scale and watched the numbers register I thought to myself I will not let anything they say defeat me today!  I know I am again overweight but I have made a move toward bettering myself.  I will not be defeated.  The nurse never mentioned the weight number but wowzers……when she took my BP and White Coat Syndrome was in full force she commented.  Have you talked to your general DR about this high blood pressure?  I was quick and ready!  I pulled out my charted BP readings to show her.  I only have sky-high BP readings when I am here (funny, I never have them at my general practitioners!) or other doctor office settings.  Nurse seemed skeptical but I didn’t let it bother me.  I will not let them defeat me today!  I am on the path to being better!  The DR came in and I had to go over it all again with her but I beat her to the punch about most of it.  The harsh part of this visit was when I realized that I really don’t like my DR.  She replaced one that I loved and valued.  This DR seems to annoy me from the get-go.  I feel judged about more than just my BP.  I feel judged about my lifestyle, more to the point, my lack of “swinging lifestyle”.  You know, it really is OK to not be one to date and be promiscuous.  I get a very general yearly exam these days since there isn’t any plumbing left so I guess I can tolerate her once a year but it is a sad realization. 

I am doing great on my weight loss adventure.  I’m down 8 pounds and feeling wonderful. Blood pressure is good, I’m actually starting to sleep better, and I’m not bored or feeling restricted with my menu.  I’ve been trying new ways to fix my meals and stay on program.  It has been a success.  I feel like a success.

White Coats, Feeders (my mom, bless her), and the world will not defeat me.  I’m two pounds away from the first 10 and I admit to feeling a bit giddy.  Thanks for having my back!

I will not be defeated!

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded. 2 Chronicles 15:7 

Taking a chance on me

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line

Honey I'm still free

Take a chance on me ~ ABBA

I have decided to take a chance on me. 

After my epiphany the other day that I AM WORTHY and something needed to change I called my girl at MRC and made an appointment.  Even though I had some issues the last go around I was successful with the program unlike any other I have ever tried.  And believe me I’ve tried just about every one! A pow-wow with plain talk and I made the decision to go back on program.  This time I am making a promise to myself --- REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS!

   

No matter how much weight I am able to successfully loose I am going to remind myself this isn’t a competition.   This is for me. If I make it a competition with anyone or anything else I doom myself to failure.  Been there, done that.   I’m taking a chance on me.

I began in earnest Friday and went for an early weigh in Monday to get myself back in the habit.  I was greeted with big smiles by the girls, a two pound loss and a normal blood pressure reading!  I felt great.  Yes, it is only 2 out of *insert number here* but hey, I was glad to see the number go DOWN for a change.   Tomorrow is my next weigh in and I am going with a positive outlook.  This is about me getting back on the road to being healthy. 

This week also saw the beginning of my kiddos’ band camp.  They have been working hard and having a more balanced and healthy menu has really been a benefit.  

I know this isn’t going to be a path of sunshine and lollipops the entire way.  There will be hills and struggles but I’m worth it.  My kids are worth it. 

I changed my mind about how I was living.  I am first in line for me.  I’m taking a chance on me.

Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all. ~ Ecclesiastes 9:11

Help!

I’ve fallen but I will get up.

We’ve all seen the commercials where some poor soul has fallen and called out for help to no avail.  Then the commercial announcer tells us we never have to be in this situation if we call this number NOW!  The next scene the poor one has fallen again but this time is rescued thanks to their trusty new apparatus.  Too bad life isn’t like that.  But isn’t it?

If you have read much of my previous attempts to blog and be open with my struggles you will remember I was travelling down the path of being healthy.  I was doing a good job of staying on the path and then I lost sight of the goal by worrying about all the little things.  I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Forget that I had lost *insert number here* pounds --- I still had, in my own mind, *insert number here* pounds left to go!  

So hyper focused on what I still had to left to accomplish, I was unable to remember how far I had already travelled.  How successful I was.  How worthy I was.

I am here to shoulder past my embarrassment to say to you all I let myself down. I forgot that I am worthy.  I am fluffier than I was the last time I posted.  Shoot, let me just call a spade a spade, I am fatter than I was the last time.  I fell off the proverbial diet horse.  But I am worthy.  I am worth more than the life I am living now.  My children are worth more than the love I give myself now.  I am worthy.

So, all that being said, I am here to say, I am worthy.  I am worth the struggle and the effort it is going to take to get my crap back in order.  I don’t know if I will ever be the raging runner that I once was but you know what?  That is OK.  Now I wear the mantle of SUPER BAND MOM and it keeps me busy.  But I am worthy.

Today is the first day of the new path.  I am worthy.  

Time for a new beginning!

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be. ~ Job 8:7

Letting happiness catch up

I was looking over my last few posts and gosh, I really sound down in the mouth, don’t I?  As if nothing in life is good. But life is good!  In the midst of dishing out tough love to one of my children, struggling to stay focused and cool tempered in this unbearable heat, I must pause and remember, life IS good.

Maybe I need to stop and let happiness catch up.

I think I’ll list a few things in no particular order that make me happy.  Maybe if I name a few things it will help diffuse some of the unhappiness.

COFFEE

It should be clear to all involved I love my coffee.  One of my simplest pleasures of each day is that first sip of coffee in the morning. 

CLEAN SHEETS

Although the washing and making the bed back up isn’t high on my love list I love the way fresh, clean sheets smell.  When I’m stressed, laying down and smelling the goodness of freshly washed linen is wonderful.

KITTIES

Perhaps I am a certifiable cat lady but I love cats.  I especially like when one of my two furry babies lies down next to me and begins to purr.  Cats aren’t shy of showing their contentment so why should we?

COFFEE WITH FRIENDS

Now you may think this is a continuation of my first entry and it may be but my running DIVAS and I have a favorite coffee shop.  After runs and sometimes just as a place to get together and share coffee, fellowship and delicious noms we adjourn to our “Official DIVA Coffee Shop”.  It is difficult to stay down in the mouth when you are surrounded by friends.  You know those people that choose you even though they know your bad crap.

LAUGHTER

Although there isn’t a lot of laughter going on at our house at the moment I do love to laugh.  This morning after having to be hard with my daughter I was left stressed and feeling a bit foggy because we all know no mother likes having to be the bad guy, the one that dishes out tough love and leaving with one of the loves of your life giving you the cold shoulder.  Even though I received no response I was sure to tell her I loved her when I left.  But now that some of the dust has temporarily settled I realize I need to have a dose of some of the best medicine, laughter.  It doesn’t always solve the problem or make them go away, but it makes everything a little more bearable. 

MORE

There are more things that I love but of course too many to list here.  I will do my best to remember at least one of them every day to remind myself that my life is full and good.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it ~ Psalm 118:24

To breathe or not to breathe, that is the question.

There are lots of daily activities and requirements for living that we take for granted. 

The one I once never gave a passing thought to but now clouds much of my day is being able to breathe.  To say I have breathing issues is perhaps laughable but to put it plainly I have adult onset asthma and it is a royal pain in the patoot.

As you all are more than well aware, this summer has been up to this point horrible at best.  Extreme heat, humidity out the wazoo and repeated if not almost daily air quality alerts have really put a damper on outside activities and my running.  After the debacle that was the Viola Half I have never quite got back to form.  It has been a long and difficult road to recovery and getting back in the swing of my training schedule.  Add to this mixture that little secret of mine, depression.  It has been rearing its ugly head.  I know, deep down, that the big D and my inability to get out and run and exercise like before have been working hand-in-hand together to get me to this low place; the place that only poor eating choices and hiding away in a dark, closed off house seem to salve and comfort.    I know that I have to keep my head above the water, but doing so is easier said than done. I watch, as if from a cloudy distance, the number on the scale continue to creep up and can’t seem to truly take notice.  I struggle to get my mileage in and also get a breath out in the unbearable air only to fall short of what I need to be getting accomplished.

Why am I putting this all out there?  P, who always has my back, has been watching my downward spiral and suggested I start writing again.  Not for anyone’s reading pleasure but to get a little relief.

The summer continues to roll on and the heat, humidity and overbearing ick of it all rolls along as well.  My lungs hurt.  Breathing is sometimes a struggle and any activity comes at a cost.  I am so tired and worn down from not being able to breathe well that it is all I can do to crawl out of bed in the mornings.  Couple that loveliness with D and it would be so easy to pull the covers up and never come out; but for my children and ultimately for myself I do, I carry on.

One more thing before I go, one of the meds that I take daily to help me breathe is thankfully going generic.  YAHOO!  Only problem is that the name brand manufacturer has decided in their infinite wisdom that since it is going generic in August that they would stop making it in July.  Everyone, every pharmacy, warehouse, storage, etc. is out of stock.  Out as in no medicine to be had, found, begged, borrowed or stolen.  Therefore I have been out and off this particular med for over a week and no refill date in sight.  This wait period is not a good thing for those of us already struggling to breathe. 

I know I’ll weather it all, I always do, and come out somewhere on the other side.  But P was right, I needed to say it out loud, or write it.  I am struggling and my lungs hurt. 

Until next time, I’ll keep moving.  Sometimes forward, sometimes a few steps backward or sideways, but always moving.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Wheezing struggles

Sitting here with lots of thoughts racing around in my brain and the song on the radio is the one about what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. 

Yes, life’s trials and tribulations do usually make you stronger after you have successfully weathered them. But what about that where you just can’t seem to get a toe hold?

The past few months have been one struggle after another and right now, at this very moment, it is hard to see past that and know that I’ll come out ahead, stronger for the battle.

Some of the struggles are due to health issues.  The struggle to breathe in this heat, humidity and poor air quality is literally making me tired.  I have little energy left for anything else when I can’t get a good breath.  I have finally broken down or rather, stopped being so bull-headed and made a DR’s appointment for tomorrow.  He’ll listen to my lungs and give out the bad news I am sure.  In spite of knowing that and realizing I will more than likely not like what I hear some relief will be well received. 

Some struggles are due to a weak mind.  When you are at something for such a long time you become tired mentally.  That doesn’t negate that fact that you should still be focused but there it is.  When you become tired and struggle to focus, good works and efforts fall by the wayside.  When those good works and efforts slack off other things start creeping up like that nasty number on the scale.  I know I should refocus, rededicate, re-whatever, but my steam and momentum quickly peter out.  With a weak mind comes weak determination.  They not only go hand-in-hand they are bound by super glue! 

Some struggles are due to you being plain worn out.  When dealing with the aforementioned issues the daily life struggles really hit with a mighty blow.  Sometimes, as much as I love them, my kids drive me NUTS.  I know there is no need to elaborate on that issue because you all know what I’m talking about. 

I did successfully complete the three half marathons, etc that I set out to complete.  By successfully I mean I completed them upright.  One was fabulous, one not so much and the other was a downright nightmare.  I promised myself some rest by scaling back a little until time to get started on my half of the fall. 

So here I am…resting…unfocused…wondering what in the heck is next and what I need to get my eyes and mind fixed on the next goal.

Of course the first thing is getting my breathing in hand.  Perhaps once that has been achieved the rest will not be in the proverbial hand basket.