Tis the Season

If it is the most wonderful time of the year why are we not all blissfully happy?

This week a friend mentioned that she felt like she had been on a “sugar high” and was coming down in a certain situation in her life and I immediately related.  How can conflicting emotions that are the exact opposites of one another often go hand in hand?

I’m happy…I’m happy!

 

Really, I am.  I’m basically a happy person.  I love to laugh, have a good time and strive to always find the good in every situation.  I sometimes think that is the only way I survived much of my life up to this point.  If I’d wallowed or dwelled I’d probably have checked out a long time ago.  Life is good, my God is awesome, my children are happy, my family is…OK, let’s not get crazy here. Haha!  I also believe in smiling.  I believe in bringing as much joy as possible with me wherever I go and leaving that much or more behind when I leave.  So all that being said I need to admit a secret about myself here; I also have an ongoing battle with depression.

Those two don’t really mix do they?

For me and many others they do.  They are a marriage, a cocktail, a dynamic duo.  I can on the surface be as happy as a pig in slop but underneath, deep inside be depressed.  I manage them well though.  It is also easier now than before.  I thank a healthier lifestyle change for a big part of that.  Slimming down, running and all the new, fantastic friends that have come along with that, new goals that have been successfully achieved and an overall better sense of self have eased the sting of the big D.  But the holidays with all their wonder also bring stress and anxiety and those as we all know trigger depression. 

I guess the point I’m trying to make in the midst of this rambling is that we all need to pause a moment when we find ourselves caught up in the frenzy of the Season.   Spend some time with a friend over a cup of coffee.  Play a board game with your children one evening instead of going out shopping.  Listen to the words of Away in a Manger and reflect.  Share a smile with a stranger.  You never know who might be fighting their own personal demons under their bright and shiny cloak of cheer.

I want to share with you one of my favorite Christmas songs.  I heard it for the first time last year and was blown away by the words and beauty.  Actually I think this is a great song all through the year.  I hope you enjoy.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. Luke 2:14

Am I thankful?

As I shared in my previous blog post I am letting one special friend be the “star” of my status update on facebook each day and letting them and the FB-universe know why I am thankful for their presence in my life.  After I posted my latest entry I started thinking.  It is easy to be thankful for the good people in our lives.  Am I able to be thankful for someone that has caused tremendous hurt and continues to knowingly do so?

I’m going to preface the following with a statement, as harsh as it is; many of you have heard me utter.  If I never heard his name again, laid eyes on his person or heard his voice again I would not care.  In fact, as I have also said before, I long for the day he is out of my life.  I’m sure you’ve guessed by now I am speaking of my ex-husband and the father of my children.

So after some soul searching I am going to say this and pray that I can truly mean (if not today then one day soon) what I am about to type.  I am thankful for him.

Eh?

Yes, I know, you are thinking that I am drunk, on drugs or off my medication.  But, if I really get down to the nitty-gritty I have to be thankful for him because without him I would not have the two greatest parts of my life.  My life, my love, my reason for everything that I do:  my children.

Now I’m not going to white wash any of this because he is a mean and spiteful person, by choice.  I learned that lesson the hard way and I get to revisit that special little place often.  However I can take it. Anything he wants to dish; I can take and come out better for it because I don’t rise to the bait anymore, much anyway.  He is a self-righteous bully and takes his unhappiness that is his chosen place dwell, out on everyone that happens to get within range. 

Yet…

I am thankful.  I am thankful because I have my children.  They are the brightest spots in my little world.  I never knew it was possible to love someone so much, so deeply, so completely until they arrived.   

I am thankful.  I am thankful for what I have learned about myself. I am able to endure and still come out victorious.

I am thankful.  I am thankful that I will now see any new man in my life with wiser eyes and a heart that listens to more than pretty words.

I am thankful.  I have learned to let him do as he will because I can’t change him. What I must do is conduct myself as I know I should and be the better person.

I am thankful.

OK, so maybe I’m not feeling the thankful part every day and in all of our dealings with one another especially when he hurts my children.  Some days are better than others. I need to remember that in the midst of adversity and the trials of life there are many things (and people) we should remember are lessons in thankfulness.  And maybe if I say it enough I’ll remember it when I want to snatch him bald headed. J

I am thankful.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? ... Matthew 5:43-48

THANKFUL THOUGHTS

There is a challenge going round facebook; you list something every day this month for which you are thankful.  I did that last year and upon reflection I find that my list is much the same.  I’m thankful for my children, my little house, a dependable vehicle, plenty to eat and a new found health and vigor.  I decided not to participate in the challenge this year but instead challenged myself to pick one friend at random each day and tell them why I am thankful for them.

The Good, the Bad and the TRUE

It is easy to be a friend during the good times.  Fair weather friends come and go but it is the friend that sticks to you like poop on your shoe during the bad times that is worth more than their weight in gold.  These are the ones that make you smile, laugh, remember your blessings and help you soldier on when you want to call it quits.  When I looked at my list of friends I found that I am more than abundantly blessed with solid gold people. 

This self imposed challenge has been an eye opener for me as well.  When I am waxing poetic about my special friend of the day I pause and reflect.  Would they say the same about me?  Do I strive to be that someone special?  Am I a friend of worth?

I’ve been at this challenge for a few days now and I find that I am thinking about the next day’s status when I crawl into bed at night.  Who will it be?  Once I have made my choice I make sure to also say a prayer for that person as I am wording my blurb in my mind.   I finish my last waking moment with a simple request.  Lord, help me to be a true friend to this person that is so valued by me.

You are SPECIAL!

If you are reading this blog you are special to me.  We share a bond, a connection, a friendship.    May you find yourself blessed beyond measure today.

John 15:12-15 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

Rockin' the Middle Half

13.1 Done, Baby!

2:47:01

I'm going to let pictures of the best run of my life, The Middle Half, speak for themselves.





My Coach

Coming up to the finish line!

On to the next challenge!

What do you get when you fall in love?

15 Days, 21 Hours, 12 Minutes….

What I got it return for falling in love with running is a nervous stomach and a little dose of dread as time ticks away closer and closer to THE race, the end goal, THE MIDDLE HALF. 

I posted yesterday about my breathing issue and the fear that it has brought to the surface.  What I did by blogging about it was to bring it to the front where I could deal with it, at least to the best of my mental ability.  I received lots of fantastic encouragement.  I even got some from the most unlikely places yesterday.  My mother, who does not usually support my running habit and who also does not read my blog, dropped me a little tidbit last night saying she knew I was probably getting excited and she knew I would do well, she was PROUD of me.  What?!?  I took that and ran. *pun intended*

I’m still nervous but I feel more confident.  I am confident in the knowledge that I have trained for this to the best of my ability.  I am confident that no matter how long it takes, how slowly I must go, or how many puffs from the inhaler I require I will successfully complete the course.  Several friends have been working toward and hoping for a PR at the Middle Half.  I’m not worried about that because no matter what my time is, it WILL be my PR. OK, OK, so it doesn’t technically count since it is my first, but I’ll take it anyway.



I'm a little teapot! I'm also going to pour out the doubt....



15 Days, 20 Hours, 30 Minutes

Time is getting closer with each passing minute.  I CAN do this and I WILL do it with success. 

 

I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." – Matthew 19:26 NIV

Easy as 1, 2, 3?

The ABCs.

A is for asthma. 

OK, according to my doctor it isn’t really “asthma” but more of an ongoing breathing issue caused by an extreme case of pneumonia.  About 5 years ago I developed pneumonia after a bad case of bronchitis.  I was sick with it for almost the entire winter and ended up missing a month of work.  Yep, if I do something I doggone do it well!  Needless to say my lungs have never been the same.  Many of the things that trigger asthma attacks trigger my asthma-like attacks; case in point, the ever fluctuating weather the past few weeks.  This past week during our long run I had an attack.  Thank goodness I had my inhaler!  By the time I finished the run I was all but doubled over, wheezing like crazy and trying to just stand up long enough to get my inhaler out.  My coach, Charles, was wonderful.  He was so sweet and kind to me. He gave me the space and concern I needed and even came out to my car before I left to make sure I could make it home OK.  Many thanks also to my friend and mentor, Cheryl.  She ran in the last with me and made sure I actually made it.  You can imagine I was almost next to tears, too.  Any time you have a brutal or bad run it is upsetting even when the causes are beyond your control.  Of course this episode has left me shaken.  What if I have another episode during the Middle Half?  I continue to have some sporadic tightness of breath and this leads to struggling runs.  What if I can’t complete the Middle Half?  Lots of self-doubt is swirling.  I try to remind myself that in spite of everything on Saturday I did actually finish my run.  Maybe I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

B is for birthdays.

After all the mess of Saturday’s long run I came back home to a house full of kids!  My daughter turned 13 on Friday and my nephews were spending the night.  There was also a birthday party planned for later in the morning.  Tired, sore and feeling really down, I girded my loins and sucked it up.  I couldn’t show any weakness until the day was over.  Nothing was going to take any of the joy out of my girl’s special day.  A shower, my rockin’ pink compression socks, a snack and almost a full pot of coffee later I felt as if I could make it.  I am happy to report the day was a huge success!  Fun was had by all and the only downer to the day was when my darling nephews and their mom and dad had to leave.  We don’t get to see one another as often as I would like and I cherish each moment we are together.  Sunday was a total SLUGFEST!  I had to have a day of total rest and I even took another rest day on Monday.  I blamed it on the rainy weather but that was just an excuse.  Even if it hadn’t been raining I probably would have taken another day anyway.  My chest was still tight.

C is for compression socks.

Oh my goodness!  I love my compression socks!  Not only are they a fantastic color but they also make my legs feel great!  For once my calves didn’t cramp and feel like crap after a long run.  I first tested them after my 12 miler the weekend before and fell in love.  I’m still not sure about running in them but for recovery they are the bomb.

D is for….

OK, so maybe this alphabet ticker isn’t exactly going to work here. Ha ha!  We have begun the taper in our training program and frankly I’m not sure how it works but I’m not going to knock it.  Scaling back on the run distances couldn’t have come at a better time for me.  I feel overwhelmed in so many aspects of my life at the moment.  Having a little less to run at night eases my mind a little.  It also eases the stress my body is taking.  Not to sound like a wimp or that I don’t enjoy the ½ program – because you know I do! - I’m ready to run a little less.  I’m ready to run the Middle Half to the best of my ability and scale back on my runs, at least until I sign up for the next ½ training program.  Yes, you read it right! I am seriously considering signing up again to train and run the Country Music ½.  But that is a decision and topic for another day. 

Breathe in….breathe out!

My weight loss journey is still spinning wheels and at this moment in time I can’t give it anymore of myself.  I’m staying on program to the best of my ability but since I am only approximately two weeks away from the Middle Half the stresses of the scale have and are going to take the back burner.  I hope that my body will get back in the groove after my training scales back a bit but if not, I’ll deal with that then. 

Two weeks to get there again in my mind.  Two weeks to convince myself that yes, I can do it!  Two weeks until one way or another I cross that finish line and get my Middle Half medal.  Oh my gosh….TWO WEEKS!

Breaks and Rest Days

Sometimes you get so mired up in what you are working toward that you lose your way.  

TIME TO TAKE A BREAK

You know how hard and long I have been struggling with my weight and trying to meet my goal, a mere twenty pounds away.  You also know how hard and focused I have been on training for my first half marathon.  I have also in the last couple of weeks taken on a major house project, painting and putting down new floors in the kitchen and big bathroom.  Mix all these in with the daily stresses of being a single mom, the start of school, band schedules, overnight field trips, family drama and the uncertainty of my job situation and you have a steaming pot of crazy me.  It took me a while but I finally realized something, Jacquelyn needed a break.

When I realized I needed a break I didn’t take it well.  I had gone to MRC for a weigh in and was met with a 1.5 weight gain and received a chastising criticism by one of the newer girls; one that in her defense doesn’t know my story, my struggle and how much I’ve lost and how long I’ve been on the program.  I didn’t respond well and when I left I was ready to chuck it all.  I even tossed my food sheets on the way out and told myself that I WAS DONE! I suppose I should preface this with the fact that I had been painting and moving my crazy heavy furniture all by my lonesome. I was tired.  Perhaps I was a little more on edge than usual.  However I didn’t appreciate being spoken to like a troublesome child.  I was angry and in tears.  I have been on this program for so dang long and not making any progress.  P said perhaps my body needed a shock of sorts, to get it back to working.  I don’t know but I was done with program.

RUN CHIKIN RUN

Last Saturday after several days of worry over what I was going to do about my program, not really being on it but not really being off it either I decided I wasn’t going back to MRC at least not until after the Middle Half.  It was also the day of a fun 10K, Run Chikin Run.  Boy, it was HOT that day but I had a blast and I must have had some rocket fuel mixed in with my breakfast because I was really hauling and had a fantastic pace and over all run.  Later than afternoon with the help of my fabulous stepfather I laid down new flooring in my kitchen.  I painted until almost midnight getting the kitchen ready for my new fancy-smancy washing machine.  Worn out, that was me.  However I didn’t stress over what I was eating once that day.  I ate what my body needed and made really good choices and drank lots of water. 

Run Chikin Run 10K fun!

Labor Day was a total weather wash, literally! Lots ‘o rain.  I painted my living room and worked around the house and again, didn’t stress over my food choices.  I had three square meals and fruit as a pick-me-up snack.  The week’s weather didn’t really improve until Thursday so you guessed it, P and I had to get our runs in in the rain.  Bleh.  We had a good laugh over it all so it is all good. 

Wet runs aren't my favorite but at least it wasn't 100 degrees!

During the week, one of my favorite MRC girls called to check on me.  She noticed I hadn’t been in and that it wasn’t like me, just checking on you, are you OK kind of call.  I told her what had happened and that I wasn’t really eager to come back.  She asked me if I would come in to talk to her, so we could see what she could do to get me back on track.  She totally believed I could still reach my goal weight and she wasn’t giving up on me.  I agreed but deep inside I was still saying no.

REST DAYS!

Thank the Good Lord for REST DAYS!  After three run days in a row I am worn smack out!  Tomorrow is our long run and I am determined to really, truly REST today.  I also committed to go see my girl at MRC.  We went back into her office, shut the door and had a real Come to Jesus meeting.  I aired all my grievances, struggles, apprehensions, frustrations, etc.  After I laid it all on the line she still said she had absolute faith that I will reach my goal.  She also gave me a new menu, one that incorporates more food, including dairy – yippee! – and are you ready…snacks!  She also said that if this menu didn’t work we would tweak it until something did, make it my own.  Those were words I have been longing to hear.  Not just the “the program works, stick to the program” spiel.  I left feeling good about finally getting rid of my last twenty pounds, like it really is a reachable goal again.  Tomorrow morning I’m starting back on the menu and program whole hog.  Today is my last rest day.

Run, Forrest, Run!

Tomorrow is our long run with my training group.  A gruesome looking eleven miles, oh…my…goodness!  The number causes me to pause but deep down I know I can complete the amount successfully.  Thanks to my rest day today my legs and body will be ready.  I needed my rest days.  My mind as well as my body needs time to rest, refresh and refuel.  I was so mired down in all that I had going on that I lost my way, my focus and my determination.  It is an easy thing to do, too.  More on my plate than I could say grace over, I lost my grip.  I’ve had a week of diet rest and enjoying my day of physical rest so tomorrow I will be fresh and ready.  Ready to tackle all that falls in my path with a strong mind and body.

Keep your fingers, toes and eyes crossed for me!  Eleven miles and new menu all on the same day! Whooo-weeeeee.

Hopefully I’ll be more alert to when I need a rest day from here on out.  Do you need a rest?

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30