Wheezing struggles

Sitting here with lots of thoughts racing around in my brain and the song on the radio is the one about what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. 

Yes, life’s trials and tribulations do usually make you stronger after you have successfully weathered them. But what about that where you just can’t seem to get a toe hold?

The past few months have been one struggle after another and right now, at this very moment, it is hard to see past that and know that I’ll come out ahead, stronger for the battle.

Some of the struggles are due to health issues.  The struggle to breathe in this heat, humidity and poor air quality is literally making me tired.  I have little energy left for anything else when I can’t get a good breath.  I have finally broken down or rather, stopped being so bull-headed and made a DR’s appointment for tomorrow.  He’ll listen to my lungs and give out the bad news I am sure.  In spite of knowing that and realizing I will more than likely not like what I hear some relief will be well received. 

Some struggles are due to a weak mind.  When you are at something for such a long time you become tired mentally.  That doesn’t negate that fact that you should still be focused but there it is.  When you become tired and struggle to focus, good works and efforts fall by the wayside.  When those good works and efforts slack off other things start creeping up like that nasty number on the scale.  I know I should refocus, rededicate, re-whatever, but my steam and momentum quickly peter out.  With a weak mind comes weak determination.  They not only go hand-in-hand they are bound by super glue! 

Some struggles are due to you being plain worn out.  When dealing with the aforementioned issues the daily life struggles really hit with a mighty blow.  Sometimes, as much as I love them, my kids drive me NUTS.  I know there is no need to elaborate on that issue because you all know what I’m talking about. 

I did successfully complete the three half marathons, etc that I set out to complete.  By successfully I mean I completed them upright.  One was fabulous, one not so much and the other was a downright nightmare.  I promised myself some rest by scaling back a little until time to get started on my half of the fall. 

So here I am…resting…unfocused…wondering what in the heck is next and what I need to get my eyes and mind fixed on the next goal.

Of course the first thing is getting my breathing in hand.  Perhaps once that has been achieved the rest will not be in the proverbial hand basket.

Tired

I am tired mentally and physically.

I am tired of the never ending battle with my weight.  I am tired of worrying every single moment about every single morsel that I eat.  I continue to struggle, can’t stay focused and I’ve even gained a few pounds.  I feel moments away from developing an eating disorder…if I don’t already have one. 

I’m tired of training my tail feathers off only to feel weak and slow.  I know I’m not supposed to be racing anyone but me but you fellow runners know how it is.  I become discouraged when everyone around me seems to be moving on along and I fall behind.  I ache from head to toe and am struggling with the fact I have probably bitten off more than I can chew this spring.

I’m tired of feeling like I am never home with my children.  I feel as if I am always going to this run or that run, meeting someone to run or a run group.  I’m tired of the comment that comes from my mouth, “there is plenty in the fridge for you to fix yourself supper.” 

I’m tired of continually having to justify why I don’t participate in workout groups or haven’t joined a gym for cross training.  Here it is folks, plain and simple…I CAN’T afford it!  I don’t have any extra cash because I am trying to raise two kids on my own.  They are expensive and any extra dollars that I manage to squeeze out of my meager paycheck I generally put back into them as in doing something as a family. 

I have hit the wall.

I’m tired.

Be a SEEKER

Be a SEEKER!

I am a SEEKER.  Or at least I am striving to be a seeker.  What exactly am I seeking?  Is it the next half marathon, the golden snitch, chocolate hidden away in the house during a moment of frenzy, the perfect boyfriend, the winning lottery ticket or possibly the real me?

My life has been a series of FLATS lately.  I’ve had a friend and an uncle pass away during the last few weeks, suffered two flat tires within a month’s span, several bad hair days and a flat return on something I have been trying to accomplish for a long time – the ever elusive weight loss goal.  However, in spite of all those FLATS I am discovering I also have an abundance of HILLS that I have searched out, seemingly on purpose. 

HILL SEEKER

Maybe I haven’t fully embraced a love for the Medical Center Parkway Bridge but I have a bit of a crush.  I am seeking the day I totally kick it in the booty as I run with ease, up its steep and intimidating incline.  I’ve run it a lot lately.  It is still hard and there are times I feel my stomach churn like I want to hurl but instead I hurl myself forward, up, up and up.  It is getting a little easier and on my weeknight runs I run it straight with no walk breaks.  Believe it or not that almost seems easier.  I’m not sure when, if ever, I’ll breeze up and down that loathsome bridge with ease and grace like I see some of my runner friends do but I keep running on.  What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right?  I know deep down that tackling that bridge, seeking it out, will only help me in the long run.  I’ll be stronger mentally and physically when it comes time to run Whiskey Hill at the OBH and all the hills at the Country Music Half.  MCP Bridge, look out!  I am seeking you out and eventually you will be MINE! (Evil laugh)

I’m also stymied yet again on the fatty front. OH!  I guess I am one that doesn’t want to let go of the weight.  Eating healthy, running like a nut and drinking enough water to float the QE2 works but it is really sloooooow going.  I have lost some.  I have dropped the embarrassing additions from the holidays and a little extra.  I’m feeling better and in all truth, I’m slimming down.  You know, it is all rearranging, toning, turning to muscle (I hope), but I am a slave to the scale.  I went home last night after a hard run that included MCP Bridge and was a little frustrated about the number the scale keeps popping up.  But I really shouldn’t be, should I?  It is just a number.  I’m healthy, strong and all that jazz.  However this is just another hill I have sought out and one I will eventually conquer.  Seek the HILL, girl, seek the hill. 

HILL SEEKER!  HILL SEEKER!  HILL SEEKER!  I’m going to chant this to myself when I want to puke, cry or stop because my legs feel like wet noodles as I run those hills and run them some more.  Seeking them out will also help me with my personal goal to increase my running speed. Shoot, after hoofing it up hill after hill, a little flat will be a breeze.

On a humorous end note I want to share a chuckle at my expense regarding the two flat tires.  As you know, we have seen more than our fair share of severe weather in my neck of the woods.  Thanks to all the hail storms, tornados and wind there are lots of houses in the process of getting new roofs.  You can imagine there are also lots of roofing nails, screws, debris, etcetera tossed out carelessly.  And you know me and my fabulous luck!  I don’t think there are many things more frustrating than walking out to get in the car and there it sits with a flat tire.  I called the wrecker service to come change the tire out and the same guy shows up, the same one that always comes to my rescue. We had a chuckle about my bad luck but he was quick, kind and professional as always.  Then I head over to the tire shop and you guessed it, the same young man waited on me from my last trip.  He of course also recognized me and we had a laugh.  The shop quickly fixed the flat and I was ready to hit the road again.  Thanks to James and David for being there to help me and get me swooshing down the opposite side of the hill with ease.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help!  - Psalm 121:1 (KJ21)

15 days and what do you get?

Tennessee Ernie Ford once sang about 15 tons and what do you get but I’m tweaking his song to 15 DAYS!  I am on Day 15 of being COFFEE FREE!  Can I get a whoop-whoop?  I’ve only had two days that I wanted a cup.  Notice the word I used there.  “Wanted” and opposed to needed, craved or must have.  I am learning to embrace green tea. It is still not my heart’s desire but the longer I drink it the easier it is to stomach and the more I am becoming accustomed to the flavor.  In fact, Saturday after my long run I met up with my runner girlfriends and a couple Diva dudes at our usual hangout and did not even flinch when I ordered green tea instead of a yummy coffee delight.  Coach had mentioned a green tea latte that was good earlier in the morning and I thought I’d give it a go.  I tried it and it was quite yummy. OH MY!  Did I just say a green tea latte was yummy?!?!??!!?  Ha-ha!  Paired with an organic low fat yogurt and fruit I had a healthy and eating plan friendly choice.  If I can just keep the momentum going I’ll be doing OK.

I’m doing well so far on my new eating plan.  I’ve even gone so far as to make my own almond butter!  I’ve fallen in love with it and it is just so tasty when I eat it with my favorite type of apple, the Pink Lady.  Pink Ladies are a bit expensive but so crisp, juicy and sweet.  And since they are in season such a short time I don’t even blink when it comes time to pay for them.  I just smile to myself because I know I’m going to be enjoying those delicious pommes later in the day with almond butter.  One thing that I also love about the new menu is all the fruit! I’ve always been a bit fruity, pun intended, and this is a pleasant addition to my daily food intake.  Apples, blueberries and the occasional once forbidden banana liven up the day.  The only drawback I see is that eggs and I are not friends and they are on the menu hot and heavy for breakfast.  When given the choice I skip them and go for the protein shake, apple and almond butter.  Hmmm….wonder if I can just always substitute?  I may have to powwow with my diet coach. 

Making my own yummy almond butter!

Speaking of 15 days, in 15 days I’ll be 43!  I am just constantly amazed that I am where I am today.  I’m healthy, happy and more fit than ever and there were times I wasn’t sure I’d make it to this birthday.  I’ve said it many times before but it bears repeating, I am in better shape, physically and mentally than I was twenty years ago.  It of course goes without saying that losing the weight I have up until this point has made a huge difference but I think the biggest boost to my self-esteem, health and over all happiness has been running.  I’m stronger in body and mind than I ever dreamed.  I’ve even signed up for another half marathon this spring.  Oh wait…maybe that is a sign of insanity….  I now have three half marathons, the relay and a 15K on the books all before the end of May.  I can and will do this! 

On a side note, my first half of the year is dedicated to the memory and friendship of my friend Ed.  Ed passed away two weeks ago and left a huge hole in many of our hearts.  He was a gentle and kind man that was full of humor, love of animals and always positive even in the face of his many health issues and disability.  I never heard him complain while he was in the hospital or rehab.  He always said he would not have chosen to live his life disabled and in poor health but it was better than the alternative.  He was also a huge supporter of my running and it meant a lot to me. Ed’s name was always written on the back of my race bibs so he could “run” along with me.  When I did well we celebrated and when I didn’t do so well he encouraged me.   Ed, the OBH is for you, dear friend.  May we run swiftly and with strength and courage.  See you at the finish line!

1956-2012

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel. ~ Proverbs 27:9 NIV

Tea Time Talk

I am currently on COFFEE FREE DAY 9 and believe it or not, there has been no need to hide any bodies.   The first day or so I had excruciating headaches but I was determined not to give in to the temptation.  I had a few friends that kept telling me to wean myself off, to take baby steps.  But I know myself and if I had tried to ease off I’d still be swilling coffee right this very minute.  Oh I might be down to ONE cup a day but that one cup would be the size of North Dakota.  It has actually been much easier than I dreamed.   I guess just like smoking or giving up any habit, you have to get there in your mind first.  You have to want it for yourself, no one else.  I was determined and by golly I’m going to do it!  So far so good other than that one day while walking down the coffee isle at the grocery store.  I felt like Pavlov’s dog drooling over the smell.  I walked quickly and held my breath.  Yeah, me! *fist punches the air*

I really want to talk about something else today instead of the detox from my much beloved coffee. 

Last Friday I was at a tea party with a couple of my sweet lady friends.  While we sipped our green tea (my friend hosting made this concession due to my going on the coffee wagon), munched on healthy low-cal cookies, fruit and yogurt we chatted about our running, weight loss struggles and strategies and a topic came up that really opened my eyes.

I AM AN ATHLETE!

Athlete is never a term that I would have thought applied to me at any point in my life.  Not as a kid, teenager (even though I was in marching band and that is a sport all its own!), young adult or now even though I run.  I first heard “athlete” applied to me when I went for my measuring and weigh in for the Git Fit Challenge.  The man doing the initial numbers, who happens to now be my “diet coach”, complimented a part of my body I hate, my legs.  UGH!  Short, stocky and never a favorite part of myself he said I had great legs, with good muscle tone, I must be an ATHLETE.  Oh. My!……..it was all I could do not to giggle or swoon.  Then as we talked I told him I ran, but I pooh-poohed it like I normally do.  Like I am almost embarrassed to say it, admit it or that the fact somehow needs to be downplayed. 

That is until I had my tea talk with my friends. 

They both acknowledged they feel the same way, as if it is almost a dirty word or somehow taboo.  Here are the facts.  My friend L is amazing.  How she manages to do all she does is a mystery to me but she runs circles around us, with an oxygen tank!  If anyone qualifies as an ATHLETE it is her.  L, you are an ATHLETE!  My friend T is also amazing.  She started running not so long ago after quitting smoking.  She is currently preparing for her first full marathon and an iron man competition.  WOW.  T, you are an ATHLETE!  How can you be a runner or walker for that matter, whether you are training to run your first 5K, first full marathon or your 15^th half marathon and not be an athlete?  I think we are just so mired down in the fact that we came to this lifestyle later.  I will be 43 in less than a month but let me tell you this, I am stronger, healthier and more fit than I was at 23 and definitely more so than any other time in my life up until this point.  I am an athlete currently in training for a half marathon.  Let me rephrase that, I am currently training for 3 half marathons, a 55-mile relay and a 15K all before the end of May.  I’m pretty doggone sure that qualifies me as an athlete.  I am not the skinniest, the strongest, the youngest, etc but I am determined and I am here to say now in a clear voice for all to hear, especially myself: I AM AN ATHLETE!  It is time to embrace it because I’ve earned it.  Just as my friends T and L have earned it along with all my other fabulous runner girlfriends. 

WE ARE ATHLETES!

All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. 1 Corinthians 9:25-26 (NLT)

I've got to do what?!??!

A moment of insanity or a moment of courage; they often can seem quite similar. 

As you all know I began in earnest my training period for the Oak Barrel Half and Country Music Marathon Half this past Saturday.  It was a great morning for a run.  Brisk, sunny and I saw so many friends.  I ran with a fairly fast clip and had fewer puffs on my inhaler than I had feared at the beginning.  Life is good. 

I also jumped feet first into a new challenge and one that I have high hopes will help me reach the long sought after weight loss goal.  There is a program that is just beginning here called the Git Fit Murfreesboro Challenge.  The object is to see how FIT you can get within a 12 week period.  Lots of great prizes and incentives are to be had but mostly the end result, being more fit, is a great motivator.  I really hadn’t given the Challenge much thought prior to this weekend because I thought I was on my way to reaching my goal on another path, didn’t think that I really qualified for the program since in the grand scheme of things I don’t have a lot of weight to lose and in my own way, I am already fit.  After all, I run!  But after some depressing thoughts about how my weight loss journey had stymied, knowing I was about to start hard training and thinking back to how I was constantly hungry and unhappy the last go around, I thought “what the heck!” and decided to give it a try.  I signed up, got measured and yesterday I went to get my menu, etc. 

Imagine my surprise, nay, HORROR, when I was told that I really needed to give up what I laughingly, but not really, refer to as my life’s blood, coffee.  According to the diet plan I was given, the food recommendations, etc are all determined by blood types and your activity levels.  OK, so the blood type seems a bit weird but I was really happy to finally hear someone ask me about my activity level.  What I do, when during the day I exercise, what races, etc I was working toward.  Instead of the “stick with the plan, the plan works” I heard we need to fuel your body and when you get where you are adding more mileage and before your big races, we’ll tweak your menu to get you ready.  What?  You mean I don’t have to be hungry???

My new “diet coach” also said that my blood type determines how my body processes and reacts to certain foods, etc.  Oh boy…I really didn’t want to hear some of the things he said I needed to cut out, especially when he said COFFEE, but after I got to thinking about it, some of the foods he said were bad for me do actually kind of bother me, like cabbage and certain beans.  He also said that my beloved coffee could be part of the reason I’m not having any luck losing weight since it works against my body/blood type. OoooooKayyyyyyy.   So, with a positive mindset (we will not discuss the withdrawal headache I am currently sporting) I ditched my coffee this morning for a cup of approved green tea. PATOOIE!  As I type this blog post let it be noted I am currently over 24 hours without coffee in my hand, system and life!

I’m not sure what all I will be eating as the twelve weeks progress but what I have been given for my first week menu is amazing and full.  I am scheduled to eat three meals a day and three healthy/light snacks.  Even if nothing was added, I feel like I could train hard with this week’s menu and not be starved.  There is a lot of food on there!  There are a few things I’ll have to learn to love, like almonds, but there are also lots of items I have always loved but wasn’t allowed, like cherries.  If I can just successfully get past this first coffee free week, without bloodshed, I’ll have made it.  I will still have a cup with my runner friends after our long Saturday runs if I so desire, but one cup a week compared to an average of 5/6 per day should balance out.

Relay running!

You also know I’ve had visions of Ragnar running through my head for some time. In May there is a local 55-mile relay race that a bunch of us Boro Diva ladies have jumped on like white on rice.  I am on an “Ultra” team of 5 ladies. The teams are either 10-person or 5- person.  When we Boro Divas heard about the relay, we all went nuts and formed approximately 6 teams right off the bat, long before the race sponsor even really started promoting the race! It is going to be so much fun!  I think this will also be a good test for me to see if I really want to do Ragnar.  This is kind of like a mini version.

Courage, ho!

This diet and fitness challenge is like my commitment to running, it is going to take more than a fair amount of courage on my part.  There will be times when I am discouraged and want to toss in the towel but I’ve committed.  Just like I have currently committed to The Oak Barrel Half, The Country Music Half, the Rutherford Relay and also the Women’s Half, the Git Fit Challenge and I are in this for the long haul.  A fresh diet plan, new ideas and a more activity/training focus are things that I am hopeful will get me over this hump and back on the road to where I want to be.  Thinner, healthier, stronger and more fit. 

I’m sure I’ll have some negative thoughts to share with you about all this later but right now the only thing that appears in the negative is my separation with coffee.  I’m telling myself that it is only 12 weeks and I can do anything for that amount of time!  Remember back when I started my running?  The NoBo program was only 12 weeks and I could tough it out that long, even though I hated it.  Yeah, now look at me!

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Pretty Pebbles

Friendship can be one of the most wonderful things in this race we call life.  When you are blessed with a truly good one, or many if you are especially fortunate, you realize quickly and often painfully the harshness of those that are, shall we say, not always the brightest spots in our universe.

Friendships are also a two-way street.  You can’t truly expect to dish, dish, dish and dish some more and not have any flack or fall out.  But often, as I am discovering these are the types of friends that I like to call “Pebbles”.  Why Pebbles?  Because much like those microscopic seemingly insignificant pebbles that somehow find their way into your shoes, they don’t always grate, they don’t always hurt and you don’t always notice them; until it happens.  >BLAMMO<  The tiny Pebble pokes you right in a tender spot and you are hurt. 

I’m not going to pretend that I am the end all, be all as a friend.  Shoot, far from it!  I am about as selfish, self-serving and opinionated as they come.  I have not always been a good friend and as sad as it is to admit, I know I’m going to fall flat on my face many times in the future as far as that goes.  I’m just prayerful that my friends will love me in spite of myself.  It is the true friend that will love you, warts, runner’s BO and all.

So where am I going with this?  I have a friend that tends to be on the rougher side in word and action.  I’m not saying this Pebble is a bad person.  Not in the least, but this Pebble is starting to poke and prod and my sock isn’t exactly buffering my aching foot (heart) from the rub.  I’ve watched, prayed and gently tried to redirect but the poke of the Pebble is still there and it is staring to hurt.  Am I just being too sensitive?  While part of me would like to take off the shoe and shake that Pebble right out and run off in the other direction, I am not sure that is what I need to do. 

Today on Facebook Joyce Meyer had a wonderful quote that was both timely and to the point in this Pebble issue.  I will share it with you here:  Your faith is not to help you avoid problems but to go through problems with stability.  Perhaps I need to shore up my faith a bit and be more of a rock to my Pebble of a friend.  Maybe I need to not focus so much on the PEBBLE but the ROCK.  I’m not going to just lay myself out there, wide open and keep fingers and toes crossed my Pebble will not flay me alive.  I am going to guard myself a little more closely but also remember to be in prayer for my Pebble.  I think as with all of us, Pebble has her demons and her cross to bear.  A step back, a deep breath and a more cautious stance may be just what the Doctor ordered. 

Pebbles once smoothed out can turn into something very beautiful.  Maybe this one just needs some prayerful and loving “smoothing”.  I’m not sure I’m the one for the task but you never know.  

Do you have Pebbles in your life?

My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior--from violent men you save me. ~ 2 Samuel 22:3