Chain of fools.

Aretha Franklin sings a fantastic song called Chain of Fools.  It has always been a favorite and although Aretha is talking about the chains a man has on her we all have some sort of chains that ensnare us.  Whether or not we are reduced to fools and remain bound is our choice.

Breaking free.

The past few days my personal life has been an absolute disaster and I have felt the weight of every chain, burden and disappointment that seemed to come at me one after another.  I really don’t want to air it all out at the moment.  Some of the pain and disappointment is still too raw, too fresh and just too personal.  At some point I’ll be ready to speak of it out loud but now isn’t that time.  So you could say that I feel the mighty weight of that chain of fools.   

One thing that I do know is that while I feel mired deep in poo I am never far from the love and concern of those in my life that truly care about me.  As I lay in bed, alone in my quiet house and cry myself to sleep I hear that sweet voice that reminds me I am never alone. “Jacquelyn, you are My precious daughter and I love you.  I’ll never abandon you.”  The reality of the situation is still there but somehow, someway it will all be OK.  And like the song by The Afters’ He lights up the sky for me.  Maybe He didn’t do it with fireworks but with something more lasting.

This morning I got up and went to meet my half marathon training group and for those few precious hours I forgot all the chains that are heavy on my heart and mind.  When I’m out there running it is just me, the asphalt and the goal.  Sometimes that goal and asphalt are hard and brutal companions but they are constant unlike so many other aspects of life. This is where He lights up the sky! I have also been greatly blessed with another running friend.  We met on our first get-to-know-you run last week and immediately hit it off.  She, P and I are all on the same page with what we want to achieve in this program.    She also sees something in me that I would have never dreamed.  Are you ready for a chuckle?  She calls me her personal pace girl/Energizer Bunny. HA HA! 

Apparently I am pushing her to improve her pace and improve her run.  That makes me happy.  Who would have ever thought that slow me would be a pace setter for someone else?  That little compliment, so innocent yet honestly given, was that light in the sky.  I felt useful and validated at one of my lowest points.  Let’s be honest, we all need, crave, desire validation. 

I think P and I are very lucky to have found a new running buddy.  You can never have too many people in your life that love and care for you. 

Keep going and going and going.

After our morning run in the heat and humidity.  

After a successful run the three of us walked down to a great little coffee shop for refreshment and girl time.  We laughed, chatted, shared our goals and had a great morning.  I didn’t feel so empty when I left.  I was filled with all the good things that come from time with friends.

What about all those chains that I spoke of earlier?  Well, they are still there but maybe not wound quite as tightly.  I will not let them pull me down for long because I am a strong woman and I have a great cheering section behind me. 

You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

When I was a kid in the 70’s a cigarette company that marketed itself to women used the slogan “You’ve come a long way, baby!” to appeal to a sense of empowerment.  Are we supposed to feel empowered as women because we have cancer sticks designed and marketed just for us?  No.  Empowerment comes from a strong sense of self worth and accomplishment.  At least for me it does.

Yesterday I went for a weigh-in and am happy report I am now down a total of 73 pounds.  *applause*

The pounds aren’t really what I want to talk about today but rather the achievement thus far.  Yesterday was also the day for me to be measured.  MRC measures several areas of your body and you get a combined inches lost report.  My combined inches lost to date are 95.75. 

WOW!

I’ll admit that the slow loss of pounds lately can be discouraging.  I’m running and doing yoga like crazy.  I do my very best to make all the right food choices.  I drink so much water I practically float.  Still the pounds are dropping at a snail’s pace.  The inches however are another matter all together.  They are testifying to a new and healthy lifestyle.  So as I look at those figures I remind myself that I am doing all the right things and the end results will show it.  I also have to remind myself that MUSCLE weighs more than FAT.  I’m stronger and have more muscle now.  Who would have every thought?  Ha-ha.

Making good food and lifestyle choices and achieving my running goals are important keys to my sense of empowerment.  Did you notice the keys are all things we do for ourselves?  No gimmicky products, fads or slogans required.

I also have another memory of my 70’s childhood.  My aunt loved Helen Reddy and had all her records.  One that I always listened to is now my anthem of sorts.  “I am woman. Hear me roar!”

What things empower you?

Chomping at the bit

So far my ½ training is going well.  I’ve been feeling very strong, had some great runs and still feeling good about the decision to join the training program.  The first week has been a success!  Yeah, me!  I will say that I have to learn to pace myself though and here is why.

Don’t over train. 

Those words have been stressed by Coach C and I am having a hard time putting on the brakes.  Monday while I was out doing my scheduled run the half way mark came right as I was about to start up the path to @zzkicker hill.  Those of you that run the Greenway may know this steep gravel hill that leads up to the cannons and monument at the place of McFadden Farm.  I lovingly call it @zzkicker hill because it can be that, a real you-know-what.  So, there I was at the start of the path to the “hill” and I realize I am where I need to turn around and start back.  NO!!!!!!!  It is a bit of a thing with me lately that I am able to run the entire length of the hill before stopping.  Yes, it is grueling but once I get to the top it is as if I can hear the “Rocky” theme playing.  *Fist punch in the air*

Don’t over train.

Disappointment of sorts set in as I turned around and started back.  I WANTED to run that hill only that wasn’t part of my scheduled mileage.  Maybe I need to change my starting point for my runs?  Or should I just wait until it is in my mileage and when I run it, totally kick it?  Can you believe I miss that hill?!?!?  I certainly can’t but there it is. 

I wanted to run that hill and keep on running.  I guess this is where I say something I thought I never would.  Ready?

I love to run!

Now that I have admitted my love for this thing I do it is hard to put on the brakes, hard to pace myself and it is going to be hard to not over train.

Of course today as I tackle my first speed training exercise – I’m a bit scared! – I probably will not be feeling the love.  At least not until after and I realize I can do that too.

Don’t over train.

You know what?  That could be the motto for so many things in life.

Naughty Nibbles!

This blog isn’t just about all the “highs” I experience, it is also to discuss the “lows” and how I handle them.

Last night I had a super low.  That low’s name was Little Debbie.  Perhaps you know her?

Yesterday afternoon, after my superlative morning and run, I hit a speed bump.  My children left to go to their father’s for a little over a week.  These long visits are always especially hard on the children.  There have been lots of frayed nerves, tears and high emotions.  I had to physically pull my son out from underneath his bed so we could go meet his father at the appropriate time.  Can we say stress with a capital STRESS?  My nerves and emotions were on high alert.

I made a good food choice for lunch and even supper but it was afterward that the Little Debbie hit the fan.  Normally, her presence in the house doesn’t faze me.  She is tucked away in the TARDIS cookie jar, the one that make the cool TARDIS sound when you open and close it.  However, Debbie was really calling to my emotional overload and I succumbed.  I knew I wasn’t doing myself any favors as I chomped down on those oatmeal pies but at the same time couldn’t stop myself.  Remember, I medicate myself with food.  At least I always used to, I’m trying to learn to do other things now.  After a few minutes of gorging I was able to pull myself back from the brink of the abyss and regroup.  I felt sick to my stomach and really disgusted with myself. 

So, as Scarlett O’Hara so famously said, “Tomorrow is another day!” Today is that new day.  I’m going to begin fresh as I have so many times before.  I am going to attempt not to beat myself up over last night’s slip because that is all it was, a slip.  I was able to stop.  I didn’t keep travelling down that road.

Shaking the crumbs off and going forward. I’m not going to sit here all sunshine and lollipops and act like it is all perfect, because it isn’t.  My emotional overload is still there, but I acknowledge it is there.  I will not let it take me by surprise.  One day at a time, one bite at a time.

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday is that P gave me a new pair of running socks to try out.  I am a devoted fan of Balega's Hidden Comforts but I’m going to give these Swiftwicks an honest try. 

I just learned this past week that Swiftwick is a Tennessee company!  Their home office is in Brentwood (just up the road from here) and the hosiery is in Cleveland.  I am sure I either have family or friends that work at the hosiery mill.  I would love to give my money to a Tennessee company and goodness knows I spend a boat load on my running gear, including the socks!  I also learned that Swiftwick donated a lot of socks, etc. to the Japanese earthquake and tsunami relief efforts.

I’ll report in on my test run of the socks soon!

Have a wonderful July 4^th, dear friends and followers.  Stay safe!

The signs are all aligned!

There is a song by Five Man Electrical Band called “Signs” that says

“Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?”

Today has been all about signs!

This morning was the first run of my 13.1 training program.  I was afraid the day was going to start out rocky because lately the air quality had been rough.  Rough that is for those of us that suffer from breathing issues.  I’ve had to up my breathing meds and with another day of “Air Quality Alert” status on tap I was nervous.  To nip it in the bud as Barney always used to say, I took a breathing treatment so I could at least start off the day with a full deep breath.  A little wired after but good! 

This is where the first sign comes into view.  A hot air balloon!

I immediately thought of the mantra that is coursing through my mind and blog.  You know the one, UPWARD and ONWARD!  Now I’ve been up in a hot air balloon briefly once before and since I am terrified of heights I’ll probably never go again.  However, the sign of the balloon was not lost on me.  I might be too afraid to climb up in one of them but I am still more than capable of going UPWARD and ONWARD.  Only I can hold me down.

Upon arrival at the store to meet up with my new running group what do I see when I look down as I am stepping out of my car?

A LUCKY PENNY! 

I’m not really superstitious or anything but again, another sign.  I tucked that shiny penny in my running pouch for good luck.  I think I’m going to let Abe hang out in there until after the Middle Half because he was sprinkling the good luck this morning.

I had perhaps one of the best, strongest runs in my brief running adventure.  Not bad considering it was the first of the training and you know I’ve been nervous.  Nervous about not being able to keep up, disappointing my coach, embarrassing myself or worst of all, realizing I might not have it in me.  I know I’m going to have a few rough patches along the way but today proved to me that I CAN do it!

More signs along the way, literally.  There were neat little bright yellowy-green signs placed along our route so everyone knew which way to go.  I like that!  When you are usually bringing up the rear it feels good to have a guide (sign!) along the way so you don’t lose your way. 

I also met a new running friend today.  C has completed a half before and has come back for more.  What is even better, like me and P, she is going to train with intervals.  We were like the Three Amigos, Three Musketeers or possibly the Three Stooges this morning but we hung in there and ran STRONG!

When we arrived back at the store our coach came up and asked us if our feet were sore?  What?  Then he said, are your feet sore from kicking butt today?  WOW!  High praise when you went in nervous. 

We’ve got this! 

There will be times when I will want to cuss, cry or both but I’ve got this!  My runner high has kicked in and I’m feeling the glow.

There is another part of the song that I mentioned earlier that goes like this:

“So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign

I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine."

That’s what I’m doing.  I’m making my OWN sign.  When I’m done it is going to be a little pink oval on my car that says 13.1!

Don't be RASH!

It’s not sweat… My fat cells are crying.

Is that not perhaps one of the best lines, ever?  I found this little gem on a wall photo from a Facebook page I follow named I <3 to Run. 

Music to my ears and sweaty neck!

This weekend marks the beginning of one of my grandest adventures, my half marathon training program. 

What is the ultimate goal?  Not self torture but to successfully complete a half marathon.  I want to run it STRONG, finish with a little juice to spare and be able to walk the next day.  Our coach said that you should also want and be able to run a recovery run within a few days.  Not to mention I need to be up and moving so I can go buy out the store's supply of pink 13.1 swag!

Saturday we meet as a group for our first run.  It is supposed to be a fun, get to know you run of about 4/4.5 miles.  Excitement and nervous anticipation are the feelings running through my mind.  My only hesitation to it all is the weather forecast.  HOT, HOT and more HOT.  Of course being in Tennessee you also have to figure in the wring your clothes out it is so humid on top of the heat.  BLEH!!!!

This brings me to the question/problem of the day! 

Lately when I run and it is super hot and humid I get a nice, lovely and all together disgusting itchy rash on my neck.  Is there anything more complementary to a lady?   I’ve tried numerous remedies and the latest is the embarrassing diaper rash cream Desitin.  Hmmppff!  I thought I had graduated from frequenting the baby isle for this stuff when my last one was successfully potty trained.  Oh, the humiliation.  So far nothing is really working except the diaper ointment does seem to keep the itch and rash a bay a little longer.   

While many of my ½ training cohorts will be concerned about properly fueling for runs, hydration, gear, etc., I’ll be researching the ills of neck rash.  However, I will not be conquered!  I’ll figure something out and who knows, maybe Coach has some tips.   

RUN STRONG AND RASH FREE! 

Hey, maybe I need to coin that as my ½ motto. Ha-ha

Monday's musings

I started an entire spiel about my trip to Cleveland on Friday, the stress, disappointment and criticism and stopped.  No one wants to hear it and I don’t want to rehash it.

Let me just say that I kept my cool, weathered the criticism with flying colors and partook of a piece of cake without diving head first into the cream cheese icing.  I stayed on my diet other than that one small sliver of birthday cake.  It was all about moderation.

What I do want to talk about is feeling strong.  I felt stronger for being able to get through a stressful day on Friday with a positive outcome.  Saturday I met up with my running buddy and we ran with the 10K training group we “graduated” from last session.  I had a good, strong run and felt good about myself and went on to have a great rest of the day and made all the right food choices.  Sunday I woke up bright and early and hit the pavement.  I managed to get in about 4 miles (I even ran it straight!) before the rain came down.  My run was so good and I was feeling so strong that I could have easily done another mile or two if I hadn’t cut it short due to the weather.  I felt empowered and went on to another day of good food choices and even splurged on a little afternoon nap.

I could have let that one moment of time ruin the rest of my weekend but I refused.   I am the master of my present.  It is a “present” I am giving to myself; a fit and healthy life.  You see, I want to live and enjoy it.  It hasn’t been that long ago I realized I wasn’t going to live to see my children grown if I didn’t shape up figuratively and literally.  Now I’ve got a firm grip on the reins.  I still might not live to see my children grown but it will not be because I was a fat, lazy, depressed slob of a person. 

Remember, onward and upward!!

This week I am going to attempt to swim some as cross training.  I’ve never been a good or strong swimmer but I’ll give it a go.  Who knows, I might just surprise myself!  I’m looking forward to a great, empowering week that leads up to the beginning of my half marathon training on Saturday.  Full steam ahead!

By the way, I didn’t purchase any much needed work pants.  I did however get a cute new running skirt and matching top!  I know I’m hopeless.  Ha-ha!