Headaches and Heartaches

*Be warned this is not my typical blog post*

A precious friend of mine has recently published a memoir and heartbreakingly reveals a hard and troubled young life.  A young life of experiences I can’t begin to fathom but one that in my opinion has left her forged of stronger stuff than most.  Some people might be “put off” by all that she so courageously exposes about herself but I am not; I find that it only makes my love and friendship for her grow.  Isn’t that what lessons at the School of Hard Knocks are supposed to do?  Cause us to grow?

Have I learned any lessons along the way?

Heartaches

When I married my children’s father in 1992 I thought I knew it all.  I was 23, a college graduate, working a full time job, living on my own and well, just cocky.  I was also lonely.  You see, I never dated much.  I was always the girl guys were friends with, never the one they wanted to date.  Good old Jacquelyn.  Most of the time I was OK with that since I had lots of friends but deep down I was lonely. We all want to be loved after all.  When I started college at MTSU I met my previous entanglement our second semester.  I wasn’t smitten or interested but he perused me.  On and off we went over the course of our college years.  Except for the few months I dated the love of my young life, Jeremy.  He was almost exotic to me.  Remember I was born and raised in Murfreesboro and at the time it was still a small town with only two high schools and most of us knew one another.  Enter Jeremy with all his big city ways, he was from Chicago!  We were similar in our political leanings, movie and literature likes, had a few mutual friends, he made me laugh, but the best part was he loved me and thought I was beautiful.  And I loved him.  I loved him as deeply and as hard as I could but I was barely 20 and it scared me.  He wanted me to move in with him but it just wasn’t done in those days, especially in Murfreesboro, the very buckle of the Bible Belt.  The strain of why I said no and the shear depth of my feelings for him were just more than I could handle and we broke up along with my heart.  We went our separate ways and I drifted.  Eventually I fell back in with my previous entanglement and we married after he graduated.  I was never truly happy, never really loved him as I should have and I definetly didn’t listen to my mother when she tried to tell me I was making a mistake.  I was lonely and I didn’t want to be that way any more.  I regretted it almost as soon as the sound of the wedding vows died in the air. 

Fast forward a few years.  I was as good a wife to my previous as I knew how to be but I’m sure that it wasn’t the best.  I had made my choice and by gosh, I was going to do the best I could.  Then one day my mother sent a clipping from my hometown paper to me and I was crushed beyond words when I realized what it was, Jeremy’s obituary.  I don’t really remember what I did or felt other than I sat in the parking lot of a grocery store close to my work and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Even though I was married it hurt like nothing else before because I realized I still loved Jeremy deep down in that private place in my heart and he was gone.  Time to buck up and make the best of this life I had chosen.  It wasn’t long after that I realized I was pregnant with my daughter and things went from bad to worse with my marriage.  Some of you know plenty of “dirt” about my marriage, divorce and the aftermath so I’m not going to go into it here.  It is an ugly story and I think we both must share blame, fault, reasons, sickness, etc.  What I do want to say is that again, my heart broke.  Why couldn’t I make this thing work?  What was wrong with me?  I was giving it my all, damn it!  I felt bitter in ways you can’t imagine.  Time went on some more and things progressively declined and then I found out I was pregnant with my son.  This was when I knew beyond any doubt I couldn’t do it anymore.  What little love I had managed to feel and hold on to for my then husband was killed by his abusiveness and the terrible life we were living.  A really bad thing happened on New Year’s Eve between us and I lay awake until I thought it was safe to call my mother on New Year’s Day 2000 to ask her if I could come home.

Fast forward some more. A bitter and lengthy divorce and two wonderful children later I find that there is a part of me that is now ready to admit I may be feeling some of that loneliness again. Let me be clear though, I am not unhappy, just sometimes lonely.  It has been eleven years, few and far between dates and one semi-serious relationship later but I am afraid.  Remember, I have never been what you would call lucky in love.

Headaches

Now when I think I might just possibly be ready to stick my toe back into the vast and scary unknown called dating it gives me a headache!  There is so much more to consider now than back in the early 90’s when I first tried to ride the rollercoaster.  My children are one of my biggest concerns.  I’ve always kept my dating life, as pitiful as it is, on the down low.  Even when Michael (we were introduced by a mutual friend) and I were fairly serious they never realized he was anything more than just a friend.  Of course they are older and wiser now.  It also is just so much dang work!  I’ve been alone a long time and I am very settled in my ways.  I like my time, my privacy and not having to explain myself or actions to anyone.  Would I even be able to handle the commitment?  It all makes my head hurt. Do I have the ability to love anyone other than my children in me?  Let’s face the facts; I’ve never been a very touchy-feely, lovey-dovey type person anyway.  Or has all the heartache thus far left me stronger and surer of myself and what I want? 

Strange and unchartered territory. 

I’ve noticed that since I have lost weight and gotten into better shape I have caught the occasional approving glances from the male persuasion.  It is a definite boost to my ego but scary all at the same time.  I try to stay grounded and not be swayed but it feels nice.  What should I do?  Am I really ready to open myself back up to the possibility of getting my heart hurt?  Or will it just be a headache and trouble?  I’m new to it all and not afraid to admit, I am a little – no, a lot scared. 

Sorry to air all of this dirty laundry out here but I felt I needed to say it “out loud.”  I may pull back yet and not venture out further into the world at large.  Stay in my private, secure area and not feel the dating waters out.  Then again, maybe I need to take a step out of my comfort zone.  I did that when I started my weight loss journey and my first running program and look where I am now. 

Am I ready to go out into the unknown? It is possible I’ll find the love of my adult life and then again, maybe not.  Only God knows what is out there for me.  Am I ready to take the first step?